The final countdown

A week from tomorrow Storm flies back to England. It won't be for long, hopefully. And hopefully, if things work out the way she's thinking, it will be the last time she has to go beck to England for quite a while. But for now, this is our last week together.

My emotions are all mixed up right now. I feel the tears lurking just under the surface waiting to burst out at the least provocation. Yesterday I was sitting at the table starting a new bead project and she came over and put her arms around me and kissed my cheek while checking out what I was doing. It suddenly became very hard to see the knots I was tying because my eyes filled up. I've been so hungry for touches from her the whole time she's been here and they've just not been forthcoming. She's not a very demonstrative person to begin with, but add to that all the interuptions, sicknesses, aches and pains and whatnot that has all seemed like some giant consipracy by the universe to keep us apart and we've had a bad run this time around.

What is it? Just the natural progression of relationships? Lesbian bed death - long distance version? Something wrong with 'us' that we just can't seem to fix? I really hate to think that this is a taste of what the rest of our life together is going to be like. Why is it that relationships start out all exciting and romantic and end up either comfortable and boring or they just end altogether? Neither of those are what I want for us, and I'm pretty sure Storm feels the same. But what can we do to fix it? We talk about it and we talk about it and nothing changes. Last time she was here we had some serious discussions about it, set down some things that each of us needed from the other. It hasn't worked out. I think we'd each say we tried, but I don't think either of us put all that much effort into it. We're still stuck in a cycle of not giving because we don't trust we'll get back what we need. This time we seem to have avoided any kind of in depth talking. Which is fine because I haven't really felt like going over the same old ground again.

We did talk a little on our way back from our first dungeon play party. I haven't even gotten around to posting about that because it was kind of a let down really. It brought up some questions for both of us and I don't know where we stand in that department. But we got to talking on our way home about how a lot of people tend to romanticise things because all they have to go on are things they read online. I likened it to how girls read romance novels and get a skewed idea of what it's going to be like to fall in love and all that. Reality isn't like that at all. That's why romance novels end just as the couple's life together begins. Because the reality is that things get in the way. Just like in a BDSM relationship. It's not all play parties and stuff. The reality is what we have been living. Life gets in the way. At one point I said something about play parties not being something that suits us, because we don't play. We dont' play with others and we don't even really play together. We can't even seem to make time for just your average vanilla sex! Out of the two and a half months that Storm has been here we have had sex three times. We made plans to play one day, she was going to get out the drumming kit and other things ans we were going to make a day of it while the kids were in school. I was really excited about the idea. Then we found out there was no school that day. Storm said we'd do it some other day after they went back to school, but it hasn't happened. I got sick then she got sick then the boy got sick and on and on. Life just doesn't cooperate.

I was thinking that maybe this week we might get to play because we are both feeling mostly better and there is school all this week. But I doubt it. I have a feeling that my flag is about to go up. I'm feeling rather PMS-ish. It would be about right. It's our last week together, so why wouldn't my flag go up and kill about four days of it? Knowing our luck it will hit over Valentine's weekend. Our first ever together and I had hopes of a nice romantic evening culminating in some hot sexual fun....naaah.

I sound whiney and bitter. Yeah, definitely PMS.

dot dot dot

I swear, just the thought of having an hour or so to myself set off some kind of signal to the rest of the family. Is there some unwritten law that I am not allowed to be alone for any length of time in case I might actually have some peace?? Last night I decided to have a pamper me night. I have beent rying to do this at least once a week lately, it just never seems to work otu the way I plan.

After dinner last night I decided to burn some of my music onto a cd to play while I had a shower and then take into my room with me while I did the whole lotion every reachable inch of skin thing. I had a little difficulty with Nero because I am not exactly computer savvy and Storm had to point out what I was doing wrong. Everyone in the room had a good chuckle at my dumbness. This led to the admission that I intended to take the burned cd and go have some 'Me' time before bed. It was early, a little after eight o'clock. I figured I was safe. Suddenly it seemed like a good idea to Storm too, and was I going to be in there very long? Maybe she could shower before me since she is so quick. Then she changed her mind and said I could go first after all....then she changed her mind again and asked if she could go first because she wasn't feeling very well and wanted to lie down. Of course I said yes, she has caught the crud I had last week and I know how miserable it is. So there was the end of my pampering idea. I showered when she was done and then curled up in bed with a book while she watched Game Show Network until she got sleepy enough to turn it off. I shall try again for the alone time tonight. Maybe I will start earlier. Soon as dinner is over...maybe...

I need to take a picture for HNT....hmmm.....maybe I can use an old one from my files....I'll go rummage and see what I have....