Three days and counting

Today will be the last day Storm and I have any chance of being alone in the house before she leaves on Monday, and we have to go out! I am in desperate need of a root touch-up so I was thinking to dash into the beauty supply shop and get what I need and then hurry back home. But Wendo and Dan'l are coming over for dinner tonight so we have to go out and get fixings. This is the last chance they will have to come over because tomorrow we are going down to Cottage Grove for a munch and Sunday will be our last full day together. I had to remind Storm of that when we were figuring out what day they could come over. Me, I would have been fine with just saying it could wait until Storm comes back, but I knew better.

So today we will dash into town soon as the kids are off and get what we need to get and then maybe if I am lucky we will have a couple of hours alone before the kids get home thatsomething can happen. So far I have been right that there would be no loving during this last week. Storm's flag went up the day I was so out of it and they way I was feeling last night I wouldn't be surprised if mine doesn't launch sometime today, maybe tomorrow. Figures. There's always something. I swear though that is she says to me she'll be back soon and we can make up for it then I will scream. Because I know we won't. I mean, look how it went this time. Three months together and we have had sex three, maybe four times. That's pathetic. Yes things come up but we should have been able to make time if we cared to. We obviously just didn't care to. Either of us.

So today I chose my hair color and hope I can find what I want. When we get home Storm is cuttig my hair and then dying it for me. At least I'll look nice for the munch tomorrow, as nice as I can anyway.

Feeling loved and cared for

Yesterday and the evening before are kind of a blur. I was not feeling well at all. Most of Monday afternoon I was feeling kind of off, then I didn't feel like having any dinner. I got up to make Storm a cup of tea and suddenly I was lightheaded and my chest and stomach felt wierd. I wasn't in pain, but it was startling. I worried Storm. She put me to bed and brought her laptop in so she could sit and keep an eye on me. At one point there was talk of calling 911 or going to the ER. She was afraid there was something wrong with my heart. I was kind of worried myself, but there was a tiny voice of reason lost in the confusion of my head that kept me saying I was okay. We finally came to the conclusion that it was probably the tuna I had for lunch and I was suffering from some form of food poisoning. I fell asleep and in the morning Storm wouldn't let me get out of bed right away. I called my son on his cell phone to wake him up and didn't get out of bed until he was ready for breakfast. Then he and Storm tucked me into my chair with a blanket and I just got to watch the morning go along without me. It was actually kind of nice now that I can look back clearly. I stayed in my chair most of the morning. Storm made me toast and hot chocolate, went to the store to pick up a prescription I had dropped off over the weekend, made me soup for lunch and just basically fussed over me while I dozed. I almost got in trouble for being up when she came back from the store, but nature was insistent! I know now what the issue was, it's happened before but it's been a while. Occasionally I get low on iron or zinc about a week before the red flag flies. It hasn't happened in quite a while and I almost forgot about it.

It was so nice to have Storm watching over me. One of the things we hate the most about being in our long distance situation is that when one of us isn't feeling well the other one can't get to her to help. It's a fear of both of ours I think that something truly serious will happen and there won't be anything we can do. I'm so glad Storm was here though, especially with my parents out of state for the winter. Being alone with only my kids and not having anyone I can really turn to if something goes wrong is such a lonely feeling. I have my neighbor that I could call if there was a serious emergency, but she can't just come sit with me so I'm not alone when I feel like crap. She has her own family and issues and things to do.

There is something about having someone there who can bring you something to drink and just fuss over you when you feel sick or whatever. It's one of the little things that a lot of people take for granted I think. Much as I hated feeling sick and losing those precious hours to something like that I am glad it happened while Storm was still here.

This morning Storm got up and wandered sleepily into the kitchen. I put the kettle on and while it boiled she laid her head on my shoulder and I put my arms around her. I kissed the side of her head and told her I love her. Her arms went around me and she held on tight and I realized she was crying. All I could do was hold her closer and whisper that it will be alright in between kisses. I know it's because Monday she leaves, I know it's for wasted moments while she was here, I know that after nearly three months together it will be so much harder to be apart....but I also know it's only for a short time. She'll be back as soon as she can get things arranged.

Microfantasy Monday

Ang at Sweltering Celt brings us a wonderful weekly event....





This week's theme: Waterside...as in beside the water. I went a bit beyond.


They call it a creek, but here where it bends it doesn’t rush and is deep enough to have to really try to reach the bottom. I glance around as I reach for the button on my jeans. There’s no one here, just me and some birds singing lazily in the trees. I’ve been planning this for so long and finally gotten up the courage to go for it. Trespassing? Maybe, but it only matters if I get caught. My jeans get tossed in a heap with my t-shirt and the rest of my clothing until there is nothing between me and the summer day.

Toes in the cool water, a slight shiver runs through my body. Water swirls around my thighs and goosebumps race up over my hips and down my arms. Waist deep and the current runs gently between my legs and over the heat of my pussy earning a soft moan. Deeper into the water my breasts float slightly, my nipples hard as the pebbles under my feet. The current pushes against my body urging me to lay back, rest on its strength and let it caress my skin at its leisure.

Wow Monday again

The past week has gone so fast. We've got one week left together.

This weekend we were supposed to have Wendo and Dan'l over for dinner again, but on Thursday they had canceled so we met for lunch in town. Well Saturday Wendo texted me and said that they hadn't gone out of town after all and they could still come over Sunday as planned. We could have just said to hold off until next weekend, but Storm loves to have them over and cook for them. Wendo makes such a big fuss over Storm's cooking. Can't say I blame her, Storm is a great cook. Plus it's fun to have other adults to talk to. The previous week we had discussed what to have, something Storm hadn't made before, something different, and decided on Chinese. But we hadn't gone supply shopping yet. So we scrambled out to Safeway and spent ridiculous money getting all the ingredients we needed for what she wanted to make and for my contribution, spring rolls.

I'm not a cook, I'm an assembler. I open packages and put things together and that's about the extent of my cooking skill. There are a few things I make from scratch and make pretty well according to my victims...um family. Spring rolls can now be addded to that short list. Even my son ate one and he hates anything with veggies in it. I think he ate it because everyone else had one and said they were good and he didn't want to seem like a little kid refusing to taste something. He has a bit of hero worship going on for Storm and Dan'l and wanted to fit in with the grown ups. Storm made several dishes; sweet and sour chicken with a recipe from a man whose father was a cook in their family's Chinese restaurant, stir fried noodles with veggies and chicken, special fried rice, Satay chicken (big hit with all!) and a veggie dish. Seems like a lot of chicken, but that was okay we liked it. We even bought fortune cookies for after the meal. She also made individual cheesecakes for dessert.

I think for me the best part was watching Storm cook. I love watching her move around the kitchen, trying to time everything just right. I play chef's assistant when she needs something chopped or washed real quick or anything like that. It somehow gives me a feeling of closeness to her because I'm part of something she loves doing. It was pretty great to have the tables turned though and have her watchign me make my spring rolls, and lending a hand when I needed it. We had fun rolling them up I had to almost take the filling away from her because she kept nibbling from the bowl. I have to admit it was tasty for an experiment.

Am never stays around for dinner when Wendo is here. Wendo is very opinionated and can be kind of mean sometimes. She has said some things in the past to Am and her boyfriend when they were here that pissed the girl off. Then when Wendo stopped smoking and became one of those militant types about getting everyone else in the world to become non-smokers it really got ugly. Am smokes and so does her boyfriend. I'm not thrilled about it and I have told her that it's not healthy and all of that. But she's 17, she thinks she knows everything and is already 100 times smarter than I am and ready to take on the world. But since Wendo already set Am off with her catty comments Am has decided that she would rather not be here when they come over. So she spends the afternoon at her boyfriend's house down the street. Wendo commented last weekend that she hadn't seen Am in almost three months. Which was true because that's been about how long Storm has been here and they have been over almost every weekend.

I can see our dinners with Wendo and Dan'l possibly changing though. Wendo has gone on a diet at her doctor's order. She is watching what she eats, and they go on long walks together with their dogs for exercise. The last few times when they have come over it has been a main topic of conversation. She announces how far they walked that day almost as soon as they come through the door. She proclaims about how she can't eat as much as she used to and how she loves all things vegetable. Storm is proud of her. So am I, but I feel kind of left out and like Storm is looking at me wishing I were the one shrinking. She probably is. I know she wants me to lose weight. It was one of her requirements when we discussed our relationship last summer. We both set out requirements and neither of us got what we needed. It's a nasty circle really. We each need something from each other but it seems we can't provide what each other needs without getting what we need first. Or something like that. Makes me dizzy trying to unravel it.

I suppose the adult thing to do would be to buckle down and bite the bullet and be the one to give first so that we could make this work. I just can't do it. Pretty much all of my life I have been the one to compromise first, been the one who gave in so the other person could have what they wanted and be happy. I've done it with my parents, my ex-hub, my kids, my friends and with Storm. Little things as well as big things. Most of the time I don't mind it. For example, I let Storm have pretty much free reign of the TV remote when she's here. I don't have weekly shows that I follow and unless there is a good movie on I have been really wanting to watch I'm not bothered what channel the TV is on. It's the same with the kids. I'm not bothered that they monopolize the tv playing video games. I do have to say though that since Storm has been here the TV Guide channel during the day and Game Show Network every night before bed is starting to get on my nerves. But then there's nothing else on so it's not that big of a deal and if we aren't going to be doing anything else in bed before we go to sleep why not let her watch game shows. I can read a book. Usually I end up falling asleep. Sometimes we cuddle and that's always nice. We've actually found a comfy cuddle position that doesn't give me a kinked neck and her an achy shoulder, so it's good.

Jeeze Im rambling. I did have a point I was trying to get to. In this situation I can't seem to make myself be the one who gives first. Being fat is an emotional issue. I know all the psycho babble jargon that goes along with it. I've read the books, bought the programs, watched the shows on TV, joined Weight Watchers and Overeaters Annonymous. I'm not a newly fat person. I've been fat since second grade. I know I have issues and use food as a comfort to fill the empty space I have in me. Always have. But knowing doesn't make it any easier to change all that when I don't have anything that gives me the same comfort and pleasure to replace it. There's something not wired right in me I guess because I can't look at the big picture and see the future pleasure and benefits and have them be enough to go on. I need something to build on in the here and now, and I don't have what I need. I just can't help thinking that losing weight with the idea that Storm will be more sexually inclined toward me just means that I was good enough to love but not good enough to fuck. For me, love isn't enough. That's probably a crappy thing to say, but it's true. Storm loves me like no one has ever loved me before. She's willing to give up her country to live where I am, or at least as close as she can legally get. But when it comes to the physical side of our relationship I am left wanting and it tarnishes the rest of our relationship for me. She says she does want me, she's just not as sexual as I am. But if I lost weight and then suddenly our sex life increased I would always know it had been because I was fat and she wasn't all that physically attracted to me despite loving me. It's hypocritical of me really, because if I was someone else I wouldn't be especially atttracted to me either. But doesn't everyone want to know they are wanted for themselves and not for their appearance? It's kind of an oxymoron type thing.

I should just suck it up and put all the emotional crap aside. I mean, if I'm going to feel like this one way or another which way would I prefer? Feeling as if no one wants me because I'm fat or feeling as if I'm only wanted because I'm not so fat? It would be better to combine being loved with being wanted, wouldn't it? And Storm did buy that neat new bathroom scale the other day.

I amuse myself sometimes

I find it highly ironic that just as I was thinking that I should delete this blog because I have nothing to put in it I start putting things in it. I think maybe I have just been too concerned that the things I might write are too boring for other people to care about, I'll just go over the same old thing all the time, or that maybe I might say something that might bother or even hurt someone else. But then I thought that if I can't put down the truth of what I'm thinking and feeling then what's the point. If I faked it to look good then anyone reading this wouldn't be reading about the real me, they'd be reading about some made up character and it wouldn't do me any good. If I want them to read someone made up I'd post my stories. So boring or not this is where I will ramble about what's in my head.

It occured to me this morning that there are only ten days left of Storm's extension. She'll have to go back then because she's only allowed 90 days here without a visa. She won't be gone long though, hopefully. She has to be careful that she doesn't get accused of the whole 'revolving door' thing, only leaving the country long enough to be able to come back for another 90 days. She could get turned back at the airport for that.

So ten days. In my dreams we would have sex every day to make up for all the sex we haven't had up to now for whatever reasons. I made myself laugh with that one. Very unrealistic even for highly sexual people. I'm obsessed with sex I guess. That's probably why I read about it so much and think about it so much and talk about it so much. I don't know if that's a bad thing or just unfortunate.

Yesterday Storm said something while I was fixing the kids some dinner that made me think. We were kind of joking around about the freeness fo my kids conversations around us. They talk about stuff most kids their age talk about and are curious about, but they do it freely in front of us. They make jokes and comments that I think most of their friends parents would probably pop them for. We're just an open family that way. I think it's good for them to be able to say what they are thinking and to feel safe enough to do it in front of us. The funny thing Storm said was something along the lines of it being her fault, if I hadn't met her I wouldn't have loosened up so much. It's true really. I may have had all these kinds of thoughts and interests but I kept them buried and never shared them with anyone. Especially the man I was married to. He couldn't have dealt with it, having no imagination. I think he also would have been threatened and seen it as a slight to his 'sexual prowess' of which he had none to begin with. When I met Storm I started feeling more comfortable with letting it all out and being the person I kept bottled up inside and it rubbed off on the family, but not in a bad way. Storm said something about having created a monster. I asked her what she was going to do with it. She made a joke about turning back time and taking it back.

I know she was joking about the whole thing with the kids and the kinds of conversations that go on around here and all of that. It was just a funny comment. It made me kind of start thinking though. Maybe she didn't create my monster, because all of this stuff was there inside me already, but she did sort of let it out. At least she caused me to feel safe enough to let it out, or at least start to. I wonder what she would say if I asked her what she's going to do with that monster. It kind of feels like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys from that Christmas cartoon. Unwanted and unplayed with. Maybe I missed the window of opportunity or something and I'm at the age where I am supposed to settle down and be normal now. I missed the chance to be free and a little wild and have fun. Now maybe I have to wait for the second round when my kids are grown and off on their own and I have time on my hands to do the fun kinky things I wished I could have done when I was younger. I don't know.

The kids are almost ready for school. They will be out of the house by 8am. Storm is still in bed asleep. If I was brave I would go in and snuggle up to her and see if I could get something started. But I'm not brave. She would most likely not be too happy to be woken up. Sex is not an acceptable reason for waking her up. She has said to go ahead and make the first move sometimes, and not to take it personal if she isn't in the mood and says no. I guess my self esteem is too fragile to risk the rejection. I need to feel sure that my advances are welcomed and wanted, and I don't feel that way.

Thursday evening ramblings

I wanted to put down thoughts I've been having about being submissive and not being submissive and a lot of other things. I even started a list because nothing was coming out coherently. I deleted it all. It just wasn't working.

Storm and I haven't talked about any of this since she's been here. Not on a personal level really. It's like we've kind of avoided the whole thing. When she arrived I was wearing the collar she gave me all the time, now I'm not wearing it at all. I told her that wearing it every day when we never do any of the things it symbolizes just made it seem like a regular piece of jewelry. I have jewelry she gave me that is special to me and that I wear all the time. My rings, a bracellet and two small gold hoops in my left ear. They are special, but the collar she gave me symbolizes something apart from those gifts of love. I asked that it be taken out and worn when we are actually going to play in a D/s vein. It's been in its box ever since. I opened the box and looked at it the other day and wondered if I did the right thing. Sad as it is I think so. I really don't want to let this go though. I just don't know how we can progress.

A few weeks ago we went to our first munch as a couple and then to a play party down in Eugene afterward. To be totally honest we were rather bored so we left early. There's not really any point in us going to play parties, because we don't play. Not in public, not with other people and not really with each other. It's not that we've lost interest I don't think, it's just we don't do anything. We talked some on our way back from the play party but we didn't come to any conclusions.

Personally, I've come to the conclusion I am not a submissive even though I have submissive tendencies. I am easy going and I don't put myself forward and take charge unless I have to. But I don't live to 'serve' and I don't enjoy being told what to do. Except in the bedroom. I guess that would make me a bedroom submissive. Kind of sucks to be me then.

*****

Today I had an appointment with the rheumatologist. What a waste of my time. I sat and waited for ages and then they finally called me back and took my BP and stuff and I waited some more. The doc comes in and looks at my chart...he asks about my meds, decides to put me on something different than regular folic acid and says I need blood tests every three months and I haven't had them since July so I have to get poked. Then I tell him about this thing that's been going on and my regular doc putting me on the prednisone. This seemed to kind of piss him off a bit. He looked at my foot and wanted to know some details but he didn't offer any doctorly advice or seem to have much of a comment to make about it at all. And this is suppsoed to be his area of expertise. He was in the room with me maybe ten minutes at the most and then sent me off to the vampires down the hall. I was a little annoyed. So I go to the lab and we sit and do some more waiting. Finally I get called back and set up for the blood drawing. I told the vampire that my veins are uncooperative. It's because my arms don't open out straight to pull the veins tight, so they roll around. I don't really think she knew what she was doing very well either. She poked me twice and got nothing but a little color in the syringe. So she had to call in reinforcements. They are only allowed two pokes and then they have to let someone else do it. The second girl had drawn my blood before and she is good, she got me the first time. Had to use a wierd place though since the first woman had messed up the best place to draw blood from me. So I ended up with three punctures and three bruises. Oh well. When I go to my regular doc in a couple of weeks I am asking if there is really any reason I have to go see this dickhead of a rheumatologist who does nothing for me. I don't see why she can't order the same blood tests as he does and monitor the same things. We'll see what she says.

Storm was not happy about all the waiting. Luckily my cell rang and it was Wendo so Storm took it outside and had a chat with her. They were supposed to come over again this weekend and Storm was going to try cooking Chinese food, but they had to cancel. Since we were in town already Wendo wanted to meet up for lunch. So we dashed off to the bead shop and I got some neat beads and things to make a necklace for Char next door as a congrats on her new job and a thank you for driving us around when my car was broke. Bone colored seed beads, two small rounds of real turquoise, two tiny silver feathers and a small silver Koko-pele figure. It suits Char. I was looking for royal purple beads but they don't seem to have the color I need. The girl at the shop said it was something to do with the dye and fading. We are going back to another shop tomorrow to see if we can find something. I need it for a bracellet I am making for a new friend.

Lunch with Wendo and Dan'l was fun. We ate at HomeTown Buffet and definitely got our money's worth. But we sat there for a long time just chit chatting and having a good laugh. It's wierd how we see them almost every weekend whenever Storm is here, but when she is gone I hardly hear from Wendo. Guess I know who Wendo likes better!

Contemplating stuff

A quick catch up on happenings in my neck of the woods:

Friday I had to make an emergency call to my doctor to get a prescription for a condition I have that pops up every now and then. It has a wonderfully scary name, pyodermagangrenosum, or something like that. It's hurts, it leaves scars and it means I get put on a lovely drug called Prednisone. Nasty stuff, causes serious mood swings and other effects. It took all day for my doctor's office to call in my script to the pharmacy but they finally got it done just in time for me to pick it up before the pharmacy closed. I hurried down to get it and when I came out I found that my car was broken. It started fine, but I couldn't put it in gear. I had forgotten my cell phone and my house phone won't accept calls from pay phones for some reason. So I had to go back in the store and buy a phone card to call home. Storm had to call my friend next door and get her to bring her down to get me and have a look at the car. From what it was doing we figured the shifter cable had come undone or snapped. No choice but to leave the car in the parking lot and go home.

Next morning I call my insurance company and discover I can have the car towed for free. That was a whoohoo moment. But we couldn't have it dropped off here. There was no room to manuever the tow truck to get my car into my parking space and we could push the car because it was stuck in park. The tow truck driver agreed with our assessment that it was the shifter cable and said that it wasn't something that amatures could easily fix and suggested a mechanic. Again there wasn't really any choice. I don't know anyone with a driveway or space to park a car to be worked on so I said to just do it. But the mechanic was off until Monday so we would be stuck without a car the whole weekend. That meant that any plans Storm and I had to go out for Valentine's dinner were down the drain. That really put my mood in the crapper.

On a good note though, that morning Storm and I had exchanged sweet cards and inside the one she gave me was my Valentine's Day gift. A piece of paper with what looked like a flight schedule printed on it. There were seat assignments and a ticket number and flight number but I couldn't find a date! Finally I spotted it...right at the top in bold letters...May 2! Storm had changed her ticket yet again and given us another two weeks together. It was the best Valentine's present I have ever gotten.

Still, it wasn't the romantic Velntine's day I had hoped for. Even later when we were curled up in bed together, both freshly showered and me hoping for a wonderful evening of hot sex, things just didn't work out the way I envisioned. There was sex, there was orgasm...but it was quick and then it was over. I think I was just so desperate that I had the female version of premature ejaculation. I've never come so fast in my life. I was not at all amused, although Storm found it rather funny. Usually she is the one with the 'hair pin trigger' as she puts it. She especially laughed over my swearing as I came, not because it felt good but because it was over so quick. I had to really fight not to burst into tears because I knew it there wouldn't be more for a long while. That's just how it happens. I'll be lucky if we get around to it once more before she leaves me.

Anyway, we spent a fairly boring weekend trapped in the house. We did have W&D over for dinner on Sunday. It was a good meal, Storm made curry and it was yummy. W wasn't feeling too well though and they went home early. There was no school on Monday and then both kids were home again today, one sick the other on his last day of suspension for getting in a fight after school last Wednesday. That's a whole other drama. But I got my car back today! It was the shifter cable just as we all thought. It cost $260, parts and labor. Which I didn't have. So my parents paid for it. I feel about 3cm tall and kind of worthless. But at least I have my car.

So, I was checking out the list of blogs I follow and it occured to me that they are pretty much all sex-blogs. Most of the people I follow on Twitter are people who write the blogs I follow. Which makes sense actually. I don't really fit in with that crowd. I mean, I'm not exactly having hot wild sex to blog about, or much sex of any kind really. I haven't even been enjoying any solitary fun since Storm has been here, no private moments.

Not that I wanted this to be some kind of sex-blog when I started it. I just wanted to play along with some of the fun things like Microfantasy Monday and TMI Tuesday. Then I thought it might be a good place to dump thoughts and things and so on. But I'm not sure now that it's worth it. The mood I have been in lately anything I write tends to come out whiney sounding, and I hate that. Not that it matters really, I don't think anyone actually reads this. I did get some nice comments on my last two HNT posts, that felt good.

I'm an envious creature though. I read all these wonderful posts and I can feel the green tinge creeping over me. I want to be one of the ones having all that fun. I want to play and not have to worry that it will be weeks before the next time.

See...there I go again...whining.

TMI Tuesday

1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity? I recently made a donation to cancer research in honor of a wonderful woman we lost, but I don't regularly donate to charities.

2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
My bed is black metal with a dark green overlay. It was a canaopy but I removed the sides and foot and left only the tall posts at the head which I coiled fairy lights around. I usually sleep on the right side of the bed, but when Storm is here I move to the left side because we snuggle better that way.

3. How important is a partners kissing ability? I really like kissing, can't get enough kissing, so if the way a person kisses isn't compatible with the way I kiss we won't get very far. Storm kisses me just right.

4. Have you ever "taken advantage" of a person under the influence of alcohol? Have you ever been "taken advantage" of while under the influence of alcohol?
No to both. Drunk people aren't very sexy to me and I've never been that drunk.

5. Ever tried to replay the famous scene from From Here to Eternity? How was it?
No, I'm not partial to the idea of sand in sensative places.

Bonus (as in optional): What kind of birth control do you use?
Abstinence?? Well, nearly...but when there is sex happening Storm and I don't have to worry about me getting pregnant

TMI Tuesday

1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?
I have a serious dislike for feet. Unless they are fresh from a long bath.

2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
Over, it just looks neater.

3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?
Unfortunately no

4. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? If so, at what age?
Not really. My mother let me learn the basics from the 'special' class at school where they send the girls to one room and the boys to another. Then sometime years after, when I had been married for nearly a decade she gave me the 'men have needs' talk that ended with the admonition that I had to keep my husband happy or he might look elsewhere....I don't think she meant for that to give me hope!

5. What is one thing a someone could do to you to rock your world?
Take an entire day and night and cover the spectrum from sweet romance to hard kinky use of our bodies.

The final countdown

A week from tomorrow Storm flies back to England. It won't be for long, hopefully. And hopefully, if things work out the way she's thinking, it will be the last time she has to go beck to England for quite a while. But for now, this is our last week together.

My emotions are all mixed up right now. I feel the tears lurking just under the surface waiting to burst out at the least provocation. Yesterday I was sitting at the table starting a new bead project and she came over and put her arms around me and kissed my cheek while checking out what I was doing. It suddenly became very hard to see the knots I was tying because my eyes filled up. I've been so hungry for touches from her the whole time she's been here and they've just not been forthcoming. She's not a very demonstrative person to begin with, but add to that all the interuptions, sicknesses, aches and pains and whatnot that has all seemed like some giant consipracy by the universe to keep us apart and we've had a bad run this time around.

What is it? Just the natural progression of relationships? Lesbian bed death - long distance version? Something wrong with 'us' that we just can't seem to fix? I really hate to think that this is a taste of what the rest of our life together is going to be like. Why is it that relationships start out all exciting and romantic and end up either comfortable and boring or they just end altogether? Neither of those are what I want for us, and I'm pretty sure Storm feels the same. But what can we do to fix it? We talk about it and we talk about it and nothing changes. Last time she was here we had some serious discussions about it, set down some things that each of us needed from the other. It hasn't worked out. I think we'd each say we tried, but I don't think either of us put all that much effort into it. We're still stuck in a cycle of not giving because we don't trust we'll get back what we need. This time we seem to have avoided any kind of in depth talking. Which is fine because I haven't really felt like going over the same old ground again.

We did talk a little on our way back from our first dungeon play party. I haven't even gotten around to posting about that because it was kind of a let down really. It brought up some questions for both of us and I don't know where we stand in that department. But we got to talking on our way home about how a lot of people tend to romanticise things because all they have to go on are things they read online. I likened it to how girls read romance novels and get a skewed idea of what it's going to be like to fall in love and all that. Reality isn't like that at all. That's why romance novels end just as the couple's life together begins. Because the reality is that things get in the way. Just like in a BDSM relationship. It's not all play parties and stuff. The reality is what we have been living. Life gets in the way. At one point I said something about play parties not being something that suits us, because we don't play. We dont' play with others and we don't even really play together. We can't even seem to make time for just your average vanilla sex! Out of the two and a half months that Storm has been here we have had sex three times. We made plans to play one day, she was going to get out the drumming kit and other things ans we were going to make a day of it while the kids were in school. I was really excited about the idea. Then we found out there was no school that day. Storm said we'd do it some other day after they went back to school, but it hasn't happened. I got sick then she got sick then the boy got sick and on and on. Life just doesn't cooperate.

I was thinking that maybe this week we might get to play because we are both feeling mostly better and there is school all this week. But I doubt it. I have a feeling that my flag is about to go up. I'm feeling rather PMS-ish. It would be about right. It's our last week together, so why wouldn't my flag go up and kill about four days of it? Knowing our luck it will hit over Valentine's weekend. Our first ever together and I had hopes of a nice romantic evening culminating in some hot sexual fun....naaah.

I sound whiney and bitter. Yeah, definitely PMS.

Scarf HNT

This is my favorite scarf. Storm bought it for me several years ago on one of her first trips over here. I keep it draped through the bars of my headboard...just in case it's ever needed.





Go see Osbasso for more HNT

Microfantasy Monday

Ang at Sweltering Celt brings us a wonderful weekly event....





This week's theme: Travel


The planes of her face…..
The hollow of her throat…..
The swell of her breast…..
The line of her spine…..
The curve of her hip…..
The firm globes of her ass…..
The moist valley of her cunt…..

My gaze, my hands, my lips lovingly follow the map of beloved territory.