Moving

I'm taking this blog over to WordPress and since I don't know how to do the thing to automatically redirect visitors over there I will just put the link here....


The new Dragon Peak

Microfantasy Monday

Ang at Sweltering Celt brings us a wonderful weekly event....




This weeks theme: flame

ohhhh yessss....have to do this one


My fingers curled round the arms of the chair as the burning baton lowered toward the naked form on the table and I held my breath. A quick touch and the flame raced along the trail of liquid laid down seconds before followed by a swift sure hand to douse the fire. It happened so quickly and yet it played over in my mind in sweet slow motion. The lovely Lady swirled a pattern of alcohol down the pale back and lit it once more. I gasped and my spine arched against my seat. I felt my own pulse racing.

The Lady stepped back and studied her implements for a moment. She reached for the Kevlar flogger and rung the alcohol from it before lighting it. She swung it with expert skill and I bit my lip hard at the sound it made flying through the air. The flaming arc connected with bare skin and I couldn't keep back the moan of pleasure that rose from my throat.

I glanced around hoping no one else had noticed my reaction, but only for a second. I couldn't keep my eyes from the beauty of the flames. All the while, as I watched the Lady work her magic, an inner voice kept asking me...."Will you ever be brave enough?"

Three days and counting

Today will be the last day Storm and I have any chance of being alone in the house before she leaves on Monday, and we have to go out! I am in desperate need of a root touch-up so I was thinking to dash into the beauty supply shop and get what I need and then hurry back home. But Wendo and Dan'l are coming over for dinner tonight so we have to go out and get fixings. This is the last chance they will have to come over because tomorrow we are going down to Cottage Grove for a munch and Sunday will be our last full day together. I had to remind Storm of that when we were figuring out what day they could come over. Me, I would have been fine with just saying it could wait until Storm comes back, but I knew better.

So today we will dash into town soon as the kids are off and get what we need to get and then maybe if I am lucky we will have a couple of hours alone before the kids get home thatsomething can happen. So far I have been right that there would be no loving during this last week. Storm's flag went up the day I was so out of it and they way I was feeling last night I wouldn't be surprised if mine doesn't launch sometime today, maybe tomorrow. Figures. There's always something. I swear though that is she says to me she'll be back soon and we can make up for it then I will scream. Because I know we won't. I mean, look how it went this time. Three months together and we have had sex three, maybe four times. That's pathetic. Yes things come up but we should have been able to make time if we cared to. We obviously just didn't care to. Either of us.

So today I chose my hair color and hope I can find what I want. When we get home Storm is cuttig my hair and then dying it for me. At least I'll look nice for the munch tomorrow, as nice as I can anyway.

Feeling loved and cared for

Yesterday and the evening before are kind of a blur. I was not feeling well at all. Most of Monday afternoon I was feeling kind of off, then I didn't feel like having any dinner. I got up to make Storm a cup of tea and suddenly I was lightheaded and my chest and stomach felt wierd. I wasn't in pain, but it was startling. I worried Storm. She put me to bed and brought her laptop in so she could sit and keep an eye on me. At one point there was talk of calling 911 or going to the ER. She was afraid there was something wrong with my heart. I was kind of worried myself, but there was a tiny voice of reason lost in the confusion of my head that kept me saying I was okay. We finally came to the conclusion that it was probably the tuna I had for lunch and I was suffering from some form of food poisoning. I fell asleep and in the morning Storm wouldn't let me get out of bed right away. I called my son on his cell phone to wake him up and didn't get out of bed until he was ready for breakfast. Then he and Storm tucked me into my chair with a blanket and I just got to watch the morning go along without me. It was actually kind of nice now that I can look back clearly. I stayed in my chair most of the morning. Storm made me toast and hot chocolate, went to the store to pick up a prescription I had dropped off over the weekend, made me soup for lunch and just basically fussed over me while I dozed. I almost got in trouble for being up when she came back from the store, but nature was insistent! I know now what the issue was, it's happened before but it's been a while. Occasionally I get low on iron or zinc about a week before the red flag flies. It hasn't happened in quite a while and I almost forgot about it.

It was so nice to have Storm watching over me. One of the things we hate the most about being in our long distance situation is that when one of us isn't feeling well the other one can't get to her to help. It's a fear of both of ours I think that something truly serious will happen and there won't be anything we can do. I'm so glad Storm was here though, especially with my parents out of state for the winter. Being alone with only my kids and not having anyone I can really turn to if something goes wrong is such a lonely feeling. I have my neighbor that I could call if there was a serious emergency, but she can't just come sit with me so I'm not alone when I feel like crap. She has her own family and issues and things to do.

There is something about having someone there who can bring you something to drink and just fuss over you when you feel sick or whatever. It's one of the little things that a lot of people take for granted I think. Much as I hated feeling sick and losing those precious hours to something like that I am glad it happened while Storm was still here.

This morning Storm got up and wandered sleepily into the kitchen. I put the kettle on and while it boiled she laid her head on my shoulder and I put my arms around her. I kissed the side of her head and told her I love her. Her arms went around me and she held on tight and I realized she was crying. All I could do was hold her closer and whisper that it will be alright in between kisses. I know it's because Monday she leaves, I know it's for wasted moments while she was here, I know that after nearly three months together it will be so much harder to be apart....but I also know it's only for a short time. She'll be back as soon as she can get things arranged.

Microfantasy Monday

Ang at Sweltering Celt brings us a wonderful weekly event....





This week's theme: Waterside...as in beside the water. I went a bit beyond.


They call it a creek, but here where it bends it doesn’t rush and is deep enough to have to really try to reach the bottom. I glance around as I reach for the button on my jeans. There’s no one here, just me and some birds singing lazily in the trees. I’ve been planning this for so long and finally gotten up the courage to go for it. Trespassing? Maybe, but it only matters if I get caught. My jeans get tossed in a heap with my t-shirt and the rest of my clothing until there is nothing between me and the summer day.

Toes in the cool water, a slight shiver runs through my body. Water swirls around my thighs and goosebumps race up over my hips and down my arms. Waist deep and the current runs gently between my legs and over the heat of my pussy earning a soft moan. Deeper into the water my breasts float slightly, my nipples hard as the pebbles under my feet. The current pushes against my body urging me to lay back, rest on its strength and let it caress my skin at its leisure.

Wow Monday again

The past week has gone so fast. We've got one week left together.

This weekend we were supposed to have Wendo and Dan'l over for dinner again, but on Thursday they had canceled so we met for lunch in town. Well Saturday Wendo texted me and said that they hadn't gone out of town after all and they could still come over Sunday as planned. We could have just said to hold off until next weekend, but Storm loves to have them over and cook for them. Wendo makes such a big fuss over Storm's cooking. Can't say I blame her, Storm is a great cook. Plus it's fun to have other adults to talk to. The previous week we had discussed what to have, something Storm hadn't made before, something different, and decided on Chinese. But we hadn't gone supply shopping yet. So we scrambled out to Safeway and spent ridiculous money getting all the ingredients we needed for what she wanted to make and for my contribution, spring rolls.

I'm not a cook, I'm an assembler. I open packages and put things together and that's about the extent of my cooking skill. There are a few things I make from scratch and make pretty well according to my victims...um family. Spring rolls can now be addded to that short list. Even my son ate one and he hates anything with veggies in it. I think he ate it because everyone else had one and said they were good and he didn't want to seem like a little kid refusing to taste something. He has a bit of hero worship going on for Storm and Dan'l and wanted to fit in with the grown ups. Storm made several dishes; sweet and sour chicken with a recipe from a man whose father was a cook in their family's Chinese restaurant, stir fried noodles with veggies and chicken, special fried rice, Satay chicken (big hit with all!) and a veggie dish. Seems like a lot of chicken, but that was okay we liked it. We even bought fortune cookies for after the meal. She also made individual cheesecakes for dessert.

I think for me the best part was watching Storm cook. I love watching her move around the kitchen, trying to time everything just right. I play chef's assistant when she needs something chopped or washed real quick or anything like that. It somehow gives me a feeling of closeness to her because I'm part of something she loves doing. It was pretty great to have the tables turned though and have her watchign me make my spring rolls, and lending a hand when I needed it. We had fun rolling them up I had to almost take the filling away from her because she kept nibbling from the bowl. I have to admit it was tasty for an experiment.

Am never stays around for dinner when Wendo is here. Wendo is very opinionated and can be kind of mean sometimes. She has said some things in the past to Am and her boyfriend when they were here that pissed the girl off. Then when Wendo stopped smoking and became one of those militant types about getting everyone else in the world to become non-smokers it really got ugly. Am smokes and so does her boyfriend. I'm not thrilled about it and I have told her that it's not healthy and all of that. But she's 17, she thinks she knows everything and is already 100 times smarter than I am and ready to take on the world. But since Wendo already set Am off with her catty comments Am has decided that she would rather not be here when they come over. So she spends the afternoon at her boyfriend's house down the street. Wendo commented last weekend that she hadn't seen Am in almost three months. Which was true because that's been about how long Storm has been here and they have been over almost every weekend.

I can see our dinners with Wendo and Dan'l possibly changing though. Wendo has gone on a diet at her doctor's order. She is watching what she eats, and they go on long walks together with their dogs for exercise. The last few times when they have come over it has been a main topic of conversation. She announces how far they walked that day almost as soon as they come through the door. She proclaims about how she can't eat as much as she used to and how she loves all things vegetable. Storm is proud of her. So am I, but I feel kind of left out and like Storm is looking at me wishing I were the one shrinking. She probably is. I know she wants me to lose weight. It was one of her requirements when we discussed our relationship last summer. We both set out requirements and neither of us got what we needed. It's a nasty circle really. We each need something from each other but it seems we can't provide what each other needs without getting what we need first. Or something like that. Makes me dizzy trying to unravel it.

I suppose the adult thing to do would be to buckle down and bite the bullet and be the one to give first so that we could make this work. I just can't do it. Pretty much all of my life I have been the one to compromise first, been the one who gave in so the other person could have what they wanted and be happy. I've done it with my parents, my ex-hub, my kids, my friends and with Storm. Little things as well as big things. Most of the time I don't mind it. For example, I let Storm have pretty much free reign of the TV remote when she's here. I don't have weekly shows that I follow and unless there is a good movie on I have been really wanting to watch I'm not bothered what channel the TV is on. It's the same with the kids. I'm not bothered that they monopolize the tv playing video games. I do have to say though that since Storm has been here the TV Guide channel during the day and Game Show Network every night before bed is starting to get on my nerves. But then there's nothing else on so it's not that big of a deal and if we aren't going to be doing anything else in bed before we go to sleep why not let her watch game shows. I can read a book. Usually I end up falling asleep. Sometimes we cuddle and that's always nice. We've actually found a comfy cuddle position that doesn't give me a kinked neck and her an achy shoulder, so it's good.

Jeeze Im rambling. I did have a point I was trying to get to. In this situation I can't seem to make myself be the one who gives first. Being fat is an emotional issue. I know all the psycho babble jargon that goes along with it. I've read the books, bought the programs, watched the shows on TV, joined Weight Watchers and Overeaters Annonymous. I'm not a newly fat person. I've been fat since second grade. I know I have issues and use food as a comfort to fill the empty space I have in me. Always have. But knowing doesn't make it any easier to change all that when I don't have anything that gives me the same comfort and pleasure to replace it. There's something not wired right in me I guess because I can't look at the big picture and see the future pleasure and benefits and have them be enough to go on. I need something to build on in the here and now, and I don't have what I need. I just can't help thinking that losing weight with the idea that Storm will be more sexually inclined toward me just means that I was good enough to love but not good enough to fuck. For me, love isn't enough. That's probably a crappy thing to say, but it's true. Storm loves me like no one has ever loved me before. She's willing to give up her country to live where I am, or at least as close as she can legally get. But when it comes to the physical side of our relationship I am left wanting and it tarnishes the rest of our relationship for me. She says she does want me, she's just not as sexual as I am. But if I lost weight and then suddenly our sex life increased I would always know it had been because I was fat and she wasn't all that physically attracted to me despite loving me. It's hypocritical of me really, because if I was someone else I wouldn't be especially atttracted to me either. But doesn't everyone want to know they are wanted for themselves and not for their appearance? It's kind of an oxymoron type thing.

I should just suck it up and put all the emotional crap aside. I mean, if I'm going to feel like this one way or another which way would I prefer? Feeling as if no one wants me because I'm fat or feeling as if I'm only wanted because I'm not so fat? It would be better to combine being loved with being wanted, wouldn't it? And Storm did buy that neat new bathroom scale the other day.

I amuse myself sometimes

I find it highly ironic that just as I was thinking that I should delete this blog because I have nothing to put in it I start putting things in it. I think maybe I have just been too concerned that the things I might write are too boring for other people to care about, I'll just go over the same old thing all the time, or that maybe I might say something that might bother or even hurt someone else. But then I thought that if I can't put down the truth of what I'm thinking and feeling then what's the point. If I faked it to look good then anyone reading this wouldn't be reading about the real me, they'd be reading about some made up character and it wouldn't do me any good. If I want them to read someone made up I'd post my stories. So boring or not this is where I will ramble about what's in my head.

It occured to me this morning that there are only ten days left of Storm's extension. She'll have to go back then because she's only allowed 90 days here without a visa. She won't be gone long though, hopefully. She has to be careful that she doesn't get accused of the whole 'revolving door' thing, only leaving the country long enough to be able to come back for another 90 days. She could get turned back at the airport for that.

So ten days. In my dreams we would have sex every day to make up for all the sex we haven't had up to now for whatever reasons. I made myself laugh with that one. Very unrealistic even for highly sexual people. I'm obsessed with sex I guess. That's probably why I read about it so much and think about it so much and talk about it so much. I don't know if that's a bad thing or just unfortunate.

Yesterday Storm said something while I was fixing the kids some dinner that made me think. We were kind of joking around about the freeness fo my kids conversations around us. They talk about stuff most kids their age talk about and are curious about, but they do it freely in front of us. They make jokes and comments that I think most of their friends parents would probably pop them for. We're just an open family that way. I think it's good for them to be able to say what they are thinking and to feel safe enough to do it in front of us. The funny thing Storm said was something along the lines of it being her fault, if I hadn't met her I wouldn't have loosened up so much. It's true really. I may have had all these kinds of thoughts and interests but I kept them buried and never shared them with anyone. Especially the man I was married to. He couldn't have dealt with it, having no imagination. I think he also would have been threatened and seen it as a slight to his 'sexual prowess' of which he had none to begin with. When I met Storm I started feeling more comfortable with letting it all out and being the person I kept bottled up inside and it rubbed off on the family, but not in a bad way. Storm said something about having created a monster. I asked her what she was going to do with it. She made a joke about turning back time and taking it back.

I know she was joking about the whole thing with the kids and the kinds of conversations that go on around here and all of that. It was just a funny comment. It made me kind of start thinking though. Maybe she didn't create my monster, because all of this stuff was there inside me already, but she did sort of let it out. At least she caused me to feel safe enough to let it out, or at least start to. I wonder what she would say if I asked her what she's going to do with that monster. It kind of feels like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys from that Christmas cartoon. Unwanted and unplayed with. Maybe I missed the window of opportunity or something and I'm at the age where I am supposed to settle down and be normal now. I missed the chance to be free and a little wild and have fun. Now maybe I have to wait for the second round when my kids are grown and off on their own and I have time on my hands to do the fun kinky things I wished I could have done when I was younger. I don't know.

The kids are almost ready for school. They will be out of the house by 8am. Storm is still in bed asleep. If I was brave I would go in and snuggle up to her and see if I could get something started. But I'm not brave. She would most likely not be too happy to be woken up. Sex is not an acceptable reason for waking her up. She has said to go ahead and make the first move sometimes, and not to take it personal if she isn't in the mood and says no. I guess my self esteem is too fragile to risk the rejection. I need to feel sure that my advances are welcomed and wanted, and I don't feel that way.