Wow Monday again

The past week has gone so fast. We've got one week left together.

This weekend we were supposed to have Wendo and Dan'l over for dinner again, but on Thursday they had canceled so we met for lunch in town. Well Saturday Wendo texted me and said that they hadn't gone out of town after all and they could still come over Sunday as planned. We could have just said to hold off until next weekend, but Storm loves to have them over and cook for them. Wendo makes such a big fuss over Storm's cooking. Can't say I blame her, Storm is a great cook. Plus it's fun to have other adults to talk to. The previous week we had discussed what to have, something Storm hadn't made before, something different, and decided on Chinese. But we hadn't gone supply shopping yet. So we scrambled out to Safeway and spent ridiculous money getting all the ingredients we needed for what she wanted to make and for my contribution, spring rolls.

I'm not a cook, I'm an assembler. I open packages and put things together and that's about the extent of my cooking skill. There are a few things I make from scratch and make pretty well according to my victims...um family. Spring rolls can now be addded to that short list. Even my son ate one and he hates anything with veggies in it. I think he ate it because everyone else had one and said they were good and he didn't want to seem like a little kid refusing to taste something. He has a bit of hero worship going on for Storm and Dan'l and wanted to fit in with the grown ups. Storm made several dishes; sweet and sour chicken with a recipe from a man whose father was a cook in their family's Chinese restaurant, stir fried noodles with veggies and chicken, special fried rice, Satay chicken (big hit with all!) and a veggie dish. Seems like a lot of chicken, but that was okay we liked it. We even bought fortune cookies for after the meal. She also made individual cheesecakes for dessert.

I think for me the best part was watching Storm cook. I love watching her move around the kitchen, trying to time everything just right. I play chef's assistant when she needs something chopped or washed real quick or anything like that. It somehow gives me a feeling of closeness to her because I'm part of something she loves doing. It was pretty great to have the tables turned though and have her watchign me make my spring rolls, and lending a hand when I needed it. We had fun rolling them up I had to almost take the filling away from her because she kept nibbling from the bowl. I have to admit it was tasty for an experiment.

Am never stays around for dinner when Wendo is here. Wendo is very opinionated and can be kind of mean sometimes. She has said some things in the past to Am and her boyfriend when they were here that pissed the girl off. Then when Wendo stopped smoking and became one of those militant types about getting everyone else in the world to become non-smokers it really got ugly. Am smokes and so does her boyfriend. I'm not thrilled about it and I have told her that it's not healthy and all of that. But she's 17, she thinks she knows everything and is already 100 times smarter than I am and ready to take on the world. But since Wendo already set Am off with her catty comments Am has decided that she would rather not be here when they come over. So she spends the afternoon at her boyfriend's house down the street. Wendo commented last weekend that she hadn't seen Am in almost three months. Which was true because that's been about how long Storm has been here and they have been over almost every weekend.

I can see our dinners with Wendo and Dan'l possibly changing though. Wendo has gone on a diet at her doctor's order. She is watching what she eats, and they go on long walks together with their dogs for exercise. The last few times when they have come over it has been a main topic of conversation. She announces how far they walked that day almost as soon as they come through the door. She proclaims about how she can't eat as much as she used to and how she loves all things vegetable. Storm is proud of her. So am I, but I feel kind of left out and like Storm is looking at me wishing I were the one shrinking. She probably is. I know she wants me to lose weight. It was one of her requirements when we discussed our relationship last summer. We both set out requirements and neither of us got what we needed. It's a nasty circle really. We each need something from each other but it seems we can't provide what each other needs without getting what we need first. Or something like that. Makes me dizzy trying to unravel it.

I suppose the adult thing to do would be to buckle down and bite the bullet and be the one to give first so that we could make this work. I just can't do it. Pretty much all of my life I have been the one to compromise first, been the one who gave in so the other person could have what they wanted and be happy. I've done it with my parents, my ex-hub, my kids, my friends and with Storm. Little things as well as big things. Most of the time I don't mind it. For example, I let Storm have pretty much free reign of the TV remote when she's here. I don't have weekly shows that I follow and unless there is a good movie on I have been really wanting to watch I'm not bothered what channel the TV is on. It's the same with the kids. I'm not bothered that they monopolize the tv playing video games. I do have to say though that since Storm has been here the TV Guide channel during the day and Game Show Network every night before bed is starting to get on my nerves. But then there's nothing else on so it's not that big of a deal and if we aren't going to be doing anything else in bed before we go to sleep why not let her watch game shows. I can read a book. Usually I end up falling asleep. Sometimes we cuddle and that's always nice. We've actually found a comfy cuddle position that doesn't give me a kinked neck and her an achy shoulder, so it's good.

Jeeze Im rambling. I did have a point I was trying to get to. In this situation I can't seem to make myself be the one who gives first. Being fat is an emotional issue. I know all the psycho babble jargon that goes along with it. I've read the books, bought the programs, watched the shows on TV, joined Weight Watchers and Overeaters Annonymous. I'm not a newly fat person. I've been fat since second grade. I know I have issues and use food as a comfort to fill the empty space I have in me. Always have. But knowing doesn't make it any easier to change all that when I don't have anything that gives me the same comfort and pleasure to replace it. There's something not wired right in me I guess because I can't look at the big picture and see the future pleasure and benefits and have them be enough to go on. I need something to build on in the here and now, and I don't have what I need. I just can't help thinking that losing weight with the idea that Storm will be more sexually inclined toward me just means that I was good enough to love but not good enough to fuck. For me, love isn't enough. That's probably a crappy thing to say, but it's true. Storm loves me like no one has ever loved me before. She's willing to give up her country to live where I am, or at least as close as she can legally get. But when it comes to the physical side of our relationship I am left wanting and it tarnishes the rest of our relationship for me. She says she does want me, she's just not as sexual as I am. But if I lost weight and then suddenly our sex life increased I would always know it had been because I was fat and she wasn't all that physically attracted to me despite loving me. It's hypocritical of me really, because if I was someone else I wouldn't be especially atttracted to me either. But doesn't everyone want to know they are wanted for themselves and not for their appearance? It's kind of an oxymoron type thing.

I should just suck it up and put all the emotional crap aside. I mean, if I'm going to feel like this one way or another which way would I prefer? Feeling as if no one wants me because I'm fat or feeling as if I'm only wanted because I'm not so fat? It would be better to combine being loved with being wanted, wouldn't it? And Storm did buy that neat new bathroom scale the other day.