I amuse myself sometimes

I find it highly ironic that just as I was thinking that I should delete this blog because I have nothing to put in it I start putting things in it. I think maybe I have just been too concerned that the things I might write are too boring for other people to care about, I'll just go over the same old thing all the time, or that maybe I might say something that might bother or even hurt someone else. But then I thought that if I can't put down the truth of what I'm thinking and feeling then what's the point. If I faked it to look good then anyone reading this wouldn't be reading about the real me, they'd be reading about some made up character and it wouldn't do me any good. If I want them to read someone made up I'd post my stories. So boring or not this is where I will ramble about what's in my head.

It occured to me this morning that there are only ten days left of Storm's extension. She'll have to go back then because she's only allowed 90 days here without a visa. She won't be gone long though, hopefully. She has to be careful that she doesn't get accused of the whole 'revolving door' thing, only leaving the country long enough to be able to come back for another 90 days. She could get turned back at the airport for that.

So ten days. In my dreams we would have sex every day to make up for all the sex we haven't had up to now for whatever reasons. I made myself laugh with that one. Very unrealistic even for highly sexual people. I'm obsessed with sex I guess. That's probably why I read about it so much and think about it so much and talk about it so much. I don't know if that's a bad thing or just unfortunate.

Yesterday Storm said something while I was fixing the kids some dinner that made me think. We were kind of joking around about the freeness fo my kids conversations around us. They talk about stuff most kids their age talk about and are curious about, but they do it freely in front of us. They make jokes and comments that I think most of their friends parents would probably pop them for. We're just an open family that way. I think it's good for them to be able to say what they are thinking and to feel safe enough to do it in front of us. The funny thing Storm said was something along the lines of it being her fault, if I hadn't met her I wouldn't have loosened up so much. It's true really. I may have had all these kinds of thoughts and interests but I kept them buried and never shared them with anyone. Especially the man I was married to. He couldn't have dealt with it, having no imagination. I think he also would have been threatened and seen it as a slight to his 'sexual prowess' of which he had none to begin with. When I met Storm I started feeling more comfortable with letting it all out and being the person I kept bottled up inside and it rubbed off on the family, but not in a bad way. Storm said something about having created a monster. I asked her what she was going to do with it. She made a joke about turning back time and taking it back.

I know she was joking about the whole thing with the kids and the kinds of conversations that go on around here and all of that. It was just a funny comment. It made me kind of start thinking though. Maybe she didn't create my monster, because all of this stuff was there inside me already, but she did sort of let it out. At least she caused me to feel safe enough to let it out, or at least start to. I wonder what she would say if I asked her what she's going to do with that monster. It kind of feels like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys from that Christmas cartoon. Unwanted and unplayed with. Maybe I missed the window of opportunity or something and I'm at the age where I am supposed to settle down and be normal now. I missed the chance to be free and a little wild and have fun. Now maybe I have to wait for the second round when my kids are grown and off on their own and I have time on my hands to do the fun kinky things I wished I could have done when I was younger. I don't know.

The kids are almost ready for school. They will be out of the house by 8am. Storm is still in bed asleep. If I was brave I would go in and snuggle up to her and see if I could get something started. But I'm not brave. She would most likely not be too happy to be woken up. Sex is not an acceptable reason for waking her up. She has said to go ahead and make the first move sometimes, and not to take it personal if she isn't in the mood and says no. I guess my self esteem is too fragile to risk the rejection. I need to feel sure that my advances are welcomed and wanted, and I don't feel that way.