I keep finding myself sitting here in my living room in the wee hours of the morning. I wake up and can't get right back to sleep and rather than toss and turn and disturb Storm I come out here. Sometimes I end up falling back to sleep in my chair snuggled up with a blanket, but most other times I sit and think too much. Or fight with the cat. He's a demanding beast and this time of the mornign is when he comes alive and wants things....fresh running water from the bathroom tap, a top up of his food dish, he wants out to pee but doesn't want to go outside because it's raining...he wants another drink because heaven knows his bladder isn't fullenough to warrant going out in the rain yet....maybe he will go out, but I have to stand at the door and wait to let him back in real quick....yeah, he's special. Don't know what I'd do without him to entertain me and keep me hopping. Have to love the beast!

Am turns 17 today. This time seventeen years ago I was just getting my first taste of what it's like to have an alien start to work its way out of my body. Of course she took a good 12 hours to finally make her appearance. I didn't intend to have her au natural but I wasn't very well informed about my options and didn't know until too late that there was a window for epidurals and I missed it! So she was born without benefit of drugs or anything to lessen the pain. I just about broke her father's thumbs off....that was the fun part.

So today she is 17 and I find myself thinking that another year and she'll be and 'adult' legally able to go wherever and do whatever without saying a thing to me. Terrifying. I like to think that maybe I have instilled in her something that will make her some sort of resonsible adult. I'm not sure about that. I've been told I'm too much of a softy because I didn't want to raise my kids under the same kind of oppression I was raised. I wanted to let them use their own voice, give them the freedom to express their opinions and the balls to give the world the finger every now and then. I didn't want them to take over 30 years learning that it's alright not to conform like it took me. I hope I did a good enough job. Only time will tell.

It's made me kind of nostalgic though. What was I doing at age 17, what was I like? I had just started my senior year of high school. I was a 'good girl' as far as anyone could tell. Very few people knew what really went through my mind most of the time. My mother was, is, very religious and I was very restricted. So I learned to be sneaky. I wasn't 'allowed' to listen to any music other than gospel, so I learned the value of headphones. and how to cover my musical tracks. I was being considerate and keeping my noise to myself, no one ever asked what I was listening to. It used to really amuse me when friends at school who knew would ask me how I knew all the words to songs on the radio when I wasn't allowed to listen to them. Sneaky, that's what I was. I carried make-up in my purse and washed my face before I went home. I spent the night at friend's houses on nights when there were school dances. I was crafty! Scary to think about it now, being on the parental end of things, but kids can be really sneaky to get what they want. No one knew that I wrote 'naughty' stories to entertain myself either. I had a very active fantasy life because I was the 'fat chick' no one wanted to date. I had one boyfriend when I was 14 but he only came near me when no one else from school would see.

Comparing myself to my daughter I am glad that she is as much of a free spirit as she is. She doesn't have to hide things from me, even though she doesn't always believe that. She still gets surprised that I don't get mad over things some parents flip a bitch over. I may not be happy about some things she does, but I choose my battles. I learned from my own teen years that if a kid wants to do something there is nothing a parent can really do to stop them. All we can do is try to keep them safe.

My baby....17 years ago...